Loss: Caring for Ourselves in the Midst of Suffering
The pain of grief can be unbearable, so intense it can make us gasp, cry out, fall to our knees. At times we may feel that our heart is literally breaking. In fact, scientific data backs up our internal experience: the suffering that occurs within us following a significant loss (of a loved one, a relationship, separation of one’s child / parent through divorce etc.) is painful to us both emotionally and physically. We are actually not imagining it when we feel that our heart is hurting or when we can’t eat due to stomach upset or lack of hunger. Recent research indicates that these physical symptoms involve the same brain regions as our emotional pain, giving additional credence to the holistic theory of understanding ourselves.How do we take care of ourselves during these difficult days? The thing about emotional pain is this … there’s no way through it, except to go through it.What else could we possibly do you ask? There are a plethora of different defensive tactics we often employ to ignore, minimize, deny and resist moving through our feelings of grief. Some of the more common ones are turning off our emotions by sheer force of will, stuffing our feelings with food, drinking or using substances to numb the pain. Even falling into depression is its own resistance to moving forward, step by step, through the pain. The problem with these behaviors is that they get us stuck in our dark places, bringing temporary anesthesia—like relief followed by the need for more numbing, void of any real healing balm.Rather than succumbing to these familiar patterns of avoidance behavior, the other option is to stay in our conscious awareness, present to our internal cues, moment by moment. Learning to stay present at this level of mental awareness is a doorway into all kinds of expansive possibilities and is a healing balm. This level of awareness to the present moment is commonly known as “mindfulness”. (For more on how to practice mindfulness click to see what the Harvard Help Guide has to offer).This mindful awareness is healing for the heart and mind: it is a life stance of being open to what is, in a mind-state of acceptance rather than resistance. In this way, we make space for our feelings, we allow ourselves to pay attention to what our bodies are expressing, what needs and wants we are experiencing, and to honor our needs as best we can. This means that when we are exhausted, we shift our schedule to allow for more sleep; when we are lonely, we reach out to loved ones; when we feel numb or lost, we spend a few minutes and breathe into that numb or lost place inside of ourselves and see what feelings bubble up from that space.Mindfulness is natural, but many of us have lost touch with this natural ability due to our chronic thinking and doing Western mindset. A great way to enhance your ability to be more mindful is to set aside 10 - 20 minutes of meditation time each day in which you simply focus on your breath and tune in to your internal cues.Thus far we’ve focused on bringing mindful attention to your inner awareness, the other key to gracefully moving through grief is to bring this mindful awareness to your outer environment as well. The natural world around you is filled with medicine for your healing … the scent of flowers, of mossy earth on the damp forest floor, cedar greens, ocean breeze, the joy of observing animals or children at play, the plush touch of the rose petal, the glory of a butterfly … each of these wonders brings healing which touches us at a deep level, but only when our awareness is tuned in to sense, see and feel at this level. Thus when we are in grief, it requires a conscious shifting on our part, to step out of numbness and be open to what is alive and beckoning us, whatever speaks to our heart in this way is healing.The healing cues are present and speaking to us in their own ways, internally and externally, but when we shut ourselves down because we don’t want to feel the pain, we miss these healing opportunities. Therefore, no matter how much pain you may be in due to grief, staying present with yourself is your first step to healing. Giving yourself what you need (or want) is your second step. Connecting deeply with the natural world around you is the third. In this way, step by step, day by day, honoring your feelings, wants and needs, you allow life to dance with you, to play with you, and you slowly find your way forward.
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