Taking Another Look at Loss...
As the autumn season dawns, we begin to see nature’s on-going cycle of change. We may love the beauty of the changing colors of the leaves on the trees, or be invigorated by the chill that gently changes the temperatures, walking us through the transition in the seasonal year. But this season is more than its beauty, it is a teacher for us. Teaching us about change, endings, loss and letting go. Helping us to learn that these things are a natural part of life.When we think of loss, usually we first think about death, someone dying and the grief process. Or sometimes we think of a loved one who has walked away from our life, and this could be physically leaving us, or emotionally shutting us out. In any of these circumstances, we may experience painful feelings of abandonment or rejection, and painful emotions of sadness, fear and/or anger. We have been told this is “grief”. We may have heard there are stages to move through, or that the passage of time will bring healing. And while all this is true, there is so much more to the experience of loss.Loss is a universal and unavoidable part of life. But how you experience loss is as unique and individual as you are. While your experiences may be shaped by and shared by your culture, your religious beliefs, and your family values, your actual experience is yours and yours alone. This may resonate with some as they have felt that no one understands what they are going through. And it may strike fear in some, as it underscores their feelings of loneliness following their loss experience. For others, this may hold a bit of relief as they gain a sense of permission that they don’t have to meet anyone else’s expectations. These or many other possible responses shine light on how unique you actually are…even in the midst of a shared grief experience. And it is this very fact can lead to hope and healing! How?Because if loss is universal, but our experience is unique, this means that despite what we have learned, seen, and experienced about loss, we do get to choose our response…or else everyone would be responding the same. While we may not have had any choice about the loss itself, we can and do choose our response to it. We may think that feeling sad is a definite part of loss, yet some become stoic, some become numb and choose not to feel, and others are spurred into action to make more of their life or to help others through their involvement in a cause to find a better solution to address a medical disease or end violence. Also, the same person may act one way with one type of loss, and completely different with another or different type of loss. Sometimes, it is dependent on the age or stage of life we are in, as our perspective shifts and changes over the years. But ultimately, after our initial reaction, we begin making choices of how to move through each day, each moment.It is also important to recognize that loss is more complex than it may at first appear. Underlying the loss, whatever it may be, are what we could call the “secondary losses” that we are sometimes not prepared for, or maybe not even aware of.These ‘hidden’ aspects of the loss can be just as potent, and maybe even more so as they roll into our lives ‘under the radar’. Some of these are the loss of dreams, goals and hopes that seem to vanish along with primary loss. Others could be loss of something more concrete like money or a place to live. And still other secondary losses are almost intangible, such as loss of friendships, loss of security, or loss of belonging, but very powerful losses none the less. Because these types of losses can catch us unaware, and because they can settle in long after the primary loss, we can be pulled back, wounds reopened, and re-experience the loss over and over again, leaving us to feel stuck and powerless.But here is another place where nature is our teacher. Trees let go of leaves, over and over until all are released. Plants, bushes and grasses appear to die, but in reality, they just take the time they need, awaiting the return of the sun and warmth that coax them back into life. While it may be a daunting task, moving through loss, we too can recognize the rhythms of loss that are involved in our life’s journey. We too, can let go of life’s busy-ness for a while, and take the time we need until we are ready to allow ourselves to seek once again, the love and warmth of life. And we can remember, we have choices each step of the way. Choices to be alone or to reach out to others, to accept help or maybe to give it, to hold on to all the pain, repeatedly telling ourselves how unfair it is, or we can slowly release it, accept life as it is, and move forward. During the month of October, we are focusing on various aspects of loss in our new blogs each Friday, in our free meditation on our website, in our newsletter, and on our Facebook page. We invite you to read and listen, connect and share, accept, forgive and heal. You are not alone!