Head & Heart

“Sometimes it seems like the longest journey is the 10 or so inches is from my head to my heart.”

A client once started a session off with this sentiment, and the phrase stuck with me! This is often true for so many of us. Based on adaptations from childhood designed to keep our hearts safe, many of us now struggle to access our hearts, this loving resource that is our birthright.

Is this true for you?  

For many folks this will resonate.  We sense a disconnection between the head and the heart.  We KNOW certain things to be true, such as, I deserve love and kindness.  But then, in opposition to our stated beliefs, we hear our own inner voice doing the exact opposite— berating our self when we’ve “made a mistake” or “done something wrong.”

How can we hold these opposites without judging ourselves harshly, and how do we bridge the divide?  

A disconnect between the head and the heart is a common occurrence for folks healing from complex childhood trauma.  If in childhood there was no one available to listen to your hurts, nurture you through emotional discomfort, or otherwise help you learn to relate to your emotions with compassion; then emotions were often experienced as overwhelming.  Children left to their own devices to nurture themselves don’t learn inner nurturing.  In place of nurturing, we learn disconnection. It’s a brilliant strategy for survival, but leaves one empty when it comes to skills of self compassion.

How do we bridge the gap?  

Practice listening to your feelings.  If they seem hard to read, then practice inner attunement with the heart.  A simple mindfulness meditation is the best way I know to strengthen the attentional muscle towards the heart, not pushing the thoughts away, simply turning your spotlight of awareness away from the thoughts, shining instead on the heart.  

Begin the practice with the breath.  

*Invite your awareness to follow the breath into the body; following the in breath all the way in, and the out breath all the way out.  Once the awareness has steadied in the body, you will begin to feel a subtle sense of release as it is a relief to feel the union of the mind and body.  

*Continue to focus on the sensation of the breath in the body as your anchor, while bringing your spotlight of awareness to the area of your heart.  

*Bring a hand to your heart as an offering of comfort, touch, nurturance.  And begin to breath into and out of your heart, allowing your full focus to rest here.  

*Invite yourself to notice any emotions arising in the present moment.  Notice whether you’re feeling calm, sadness, fear, etc.  No matter the emotion, practice bringing a stance of curiosity and openness.  

*Name the emotions as they arise, example: I’m noticing sadness arising.

*Practice welcoming whatever emotion is arising, even those that you normally might be tempted to push away.  Remind yourself that this is a practice in aligning with and attuning to your heart.  And whatever emotions are arising, they are already here, they have been waiting for your attention and connection.  You don’t have to have a personal affinity for them in order to be open and curious about them. 

*Notice how this emotion is showing up in your body—noticing both location and sensation.  Is the sadness feeling like a weight in your heart?  A pressure behind your eyes?  A tightness in your gut?  There is simply a practice of noticing and exploring with curiosity and openness.  

*Sometimes we don’t know how to feel compassion or even kindness initially for ourselves, but curiosity is a secret portal that leads to kindness.  

*Next, bring forward even more curiosity to explore the nuances of this felt emotion.  If this emotion had a color what would it be?  Notice its temperature and texture.  Does it have a shape and size?  

*Notice how it feels to be relating to your emotions in this way.

*What is it like to notice this, to be observing this dynamic between yourself and your emotions? 

*What's happened to the energy of the emotion in the course of this exploration? 

*Finally, does this emotion have a message for you?  What does it want you to know?  How can you best support it?

This practice can be done daily.  You’ll thank yourself for the gift, as connection with your heart is priceless.